Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
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Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
moms in horror movies
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*