Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
You Might Also Like
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Time for evil
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Natural selection at its finest
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it