Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
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The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Tony Hawk, age 6
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
You deplete me
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I saw nothing
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
that lip filler tho
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”