Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
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him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
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What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.