Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
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*sewing*
A thread
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
these two trucks have the same bed length