me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
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Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.