Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
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Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
*puts my mental health in rice
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
<—- homeless romantic
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other