@sanbay: Vanilla body wash.... smells amazing.... tastes like shit. Someone needs to figure that out.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Coworker: These heels are killing my feet but they're so cute. Me: These ugly Sketchers I'm wearing have insides made out of memory foam.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?” Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food. 4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
@notfaizzy: Me: hello, police? I think I'm living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body... Crap! She just came in. Cat: *meow*