America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
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Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend