Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
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[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Pot warmers of the day.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.