“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
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I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.