oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
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Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision