Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
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I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in