[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
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[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
BETRAYAL
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*