[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
You Might Also Like
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.