Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
You Might Also Like
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
It do be feeling this way.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am