art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
WTF
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.