Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
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*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Word!
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?