Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
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The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.