Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
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[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.