@canadasandra: Vegans with children named 'Hunter' are why I lie awake at night.
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@SirEviscerate: [Lab] Co-worker: "Where's all the microscope oil and acetic acid?" Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
@hippieswordfish: *she leans in close* 'kyle, what's your wildest fantasy?' *i close my eyes and imagine opening a 10pc chicken nugget and finding 11 pieces*
@MadamBetteNoire: Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you're sitting there banging your head on the table.
@Marcmywords2: Hey Dad, The airport called, if you don't turn down your TV, they're filing a complaint.