VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
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COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Harsh but fair
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
This is my pinned tweet
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance