VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
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I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
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