Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
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The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Bringing home a sharpie
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.