Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
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i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
the council will decide your fate
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.