@kentgrossarth: Vegetarian: 'You know, a cow died so you could have that burger'. Me: 'Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food'.
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@RoosterMustache: [having sex] ME: oh yeah do you like that HER: faster! ME: *like an auctioneer* doyoulikethat-isee$5foryes-$5foryes-doisee$10-$10foryes
@NicestHippo: [getting fired from NASA] Is it because I kept saying "Technically we're already in space?"
@TheCatWhisprer: I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
@Momtoteens: Daughter comes home with shirt inside out. Me: Why is your shirt on wrong? Daughter: I think you old people call it: "second base"