Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
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People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.