@kentgrossarth: Vegetarian: 'You know, a cow died so you could have that burger'. Me: 'Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food'.
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@_b1p0larbear: I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on. Then I dropped it onto her nose. She's awake now.
@noog: In current news: US: Stop that Middle East: Stop what? US: That Middle East: This? US: Yes that Middle East: This? America: OMG STAAAHP
@Tharin_P: Brain: he must study-how? *Hormones raise hand* H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life? B: *whispers* It's for his own good.