Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
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I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.