Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
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All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.