Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
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I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!