@benmathaicomedy: 'Vegetarians' don't eat meat. 'Vegans' also don't eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
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@FlyJ_: The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
@T_N_Crumpets: Waiter: black pepper? Me: sure Waiter: say when Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
@amishschool: My son, 5, scared of the thunder. I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all. Think that helped.
@TheToddWilliams: [chef interview] BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon ME: Yeah, that means you're missing a jar