‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
You Might Also Like
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
thank god
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st