@akatinamarie: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
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@Dawn_M_: My friend got a tattoo of his wife's name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
@dyldonot: "any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?" [I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic] HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
@mbichaela: me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how'd u get up there? snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
@DanMentos: "We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision" Which was? "We ate Bill" OMG. How long were you in there? “4 minutes"