Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
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Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?