Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
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I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch