*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
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Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
good work, detective
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!