VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd