VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
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SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.