[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
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CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me: