[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
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The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.