Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
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Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]