Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
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im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.