[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
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My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave