VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
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On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
the red hot silly peppers
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.