Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
You Might Also Like
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Seems a bit forward
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Webb. James Webb.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.