Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
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Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are