[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
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*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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The email finding me
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Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
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Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
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*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
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Breaking news:
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
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No! Abort! Abort!!
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15: “ya”
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15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
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Me: How so?
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Producer: Get out.
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ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!