[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
You Might Also Like
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?