Very problematic
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10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: Butā¦
10yo: ALBATROUT
sigh
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Iām chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think Iām at least doing something about it.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, āHello, is there anybunny in there?ā
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luckā¦
I have a meeting at the bank later and if itās a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
Iām so excited I can barely put on my ski maskā¦
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Iām sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
dr pepper just lost her medical license. š now she’s just ms pepper. š bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! š no. āš dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. š unlearn your internal biases!š©āāļø she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ā¹ļøāāļøš¶
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Me: Iām going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if youāre obnoxious.
Iāve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I donāt wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, Iām going to be pissed
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
In my house, where thereās smoke thereās dinner.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.