Very problematic
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ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.