@bourgeoisalien: very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren't married I had to explain why they're both going to hell
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@TitansHomer: Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness Me: Honesty B: I don't think that's a weakness M: I don't give a shit what you think.
@samlymatters: I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
@Staggfilms: PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness! BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick! SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!