@bourgeoisalien: very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren't married I had to explain why they're both going to hell
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@AndyAsAdjective: *walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it* hey kids…I'm here to talk about how chairs confuse me
@captainkalvis: [engagement party] brother: show us the ring! me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i'm gettin married
@Swishergirl24: This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I'm some kind of wizard.