very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
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Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do