Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
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Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Somebody call the cops.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Oceanography is all about current events
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Name another movie that mislead you?