Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
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Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
If looks could kill
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!